Broken vs. Wounded

Chie Broken vs Wounded

[00:00:00] Hecate: Oftentimes, especially like within Western culture, when we talk about something that's been broken, we think of something that needs to be disposed of. Um, you know, something that is damaged irreparably. And so there is that, um, that functionality inherent in that language that is, um, very present in the way that we interact with broken things in our lives.

And I noticed that and, you know, chose to reframe that for that very reason.

Hi 

there. Thank you so much for joining me. I'm Hecate, and this is Finding Ok. A healing podcast for survivors of sexual assault and any and all abuse. When survivors share, we share strength. You are not alone. [00:01:00] Last season I had a wonderful talk with my sister Chie, and we covered a lot of ground. During that talk, we touched on a subject that I decided should have its own little episode.

So today I'm going to share a conversation my sister and I had about the language we use to talk about our trauma. It's not my intention to say that anything is right or wrong. This conversation is more an invitation to be curious and to take a look at the language you're using. Sometimes the words we use to talk about our pain or trauma can have hidden implications we might not be aware of, and they can be very different for every person.

As we grow, and change, and heal, we can sometimes outgrow certain words without realizing it. So this episode is an invitation for investigation and I hope it's helpful to someone. Just for some context. Chi and I [00:02:00] use a word you may or may not know in this episode, and that word is kintsugi. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending broken pottery with gold.

The object has been visibly but beautifully mended, and it is transformed by this process, not only in appearance, but in meaning. And now it's time for...

Trigger and content warnings for this episode include the following: trauma and the discussion of bodily injury, specifically broken bones and wound care. It's not graphic, but I wanted to give you a heads up. Please check in with yourself and make sure you're all right to continue.

Something that's been [00:03:00] helpful for me is, I noticed that for me personally, dealing with my own shit, starting to replace the word "broken" with the term "wound". Like looking at it as a wound that needed healing instead of, um, something that had been broken, broken and just, uh, just acknowledging things as wounds as opposed to, to viewing myself as something that had been taken apart or broken or some, like, there was a, a level of like irreparable harm that was present in that, in that thought when I, when I had it in terms of myself or, or the work that was in, involved in healing or, um. That was something.

Um, so although the, oh my God, what is the term for it? 

[00:03:51] Chie: Kintsugi? 

[00:03:52] Hecate: Kintsugi, thank you. You knew, exactly. I feel, I feel like we're touching on some points that we had in a past episode, and I [00:04:00] can feel I was kind of doing that. Um, but I think it's been mentioned before, but I'll, you know, like all of this will be in episode notes.

If, if we're talking about things and you're like, what the fuck are they talking about? Like, it'll be there. It'll be there. I'll put it in episode notes. But yeah, that. I feel like that practice is, is also like viewing, you know, as opposed to brokenness, uh, is, is almost looking at it almost like as a wound and healing.

I think there was a, the, the way that I was thinking of like my own brokenness, I think there was an unhealthy kind of edge to it and honestly like, When I use that terminology, I think it was also really tied to one of like my inner self, like during a certain time of my life. And I think, um, that terminology for me put me back in a head space of like teenage self viewing self as broken and.

Reframing that was helpful for me in order to, to kind of take things more into the present, [00:05:00] um, in terms of assessing damage. So it's just sort of like, okay, kiddo. And it's, it's interesting the way that like changing language, um. And, uh, and again, none of this is at you. It's at me. Because that, that might be helpful for some people.

And it wasn't. It just wasn't as helpful for me. And so it was interesting to kind of recognize that for me, using that terminology or that language wasn't helpful. It was actually keeping me in a certain point in my past and in a certain point of my healing that wasn't productive and changing language and no longer, you know, identifying or using the term like, "broken" or thinking, thinking of it in terms of like, I have been broken or, you know, something like that.

That, that was helpful for me to move forward and think of it in, in terms of, you know, I have these wounds, I have been wounded, um, and wounds can heal. You know, so, so like there is an inherent like [00:06:00] language of possibility. You know? Cuz when we think wounds, we think something that can heal .Oftentimes, especially like within Western culture, when we talk about something that's been broken, we think of something that needs to be disposed of.

Um, you know, something that is damaged irreparably. And so there is that, um, that functionality inherent in that language that is, um, very present in the way that we interact with broken things in our lives. And I noticed that and, you know, chose to reframe that for that very reason. And I think, I think a lot of that took place subconsciously.

And then I kind of realized why I had done it and I was like, okay, that was, that was a good idea. 

[00:06:43] Chie: Interesting. It's interesting just reflecting, hearing you talking about your experience of the word "broken" versus the word "wound". And I actually feel the opposite about 

[00:06:56] Hecate: interesting. 

[00:06:57] Chie: those phrasings, which is very interesting.

[00:06:59] Hecate: I'd love to hear about that. [00:07:00] Yeah. 

[00:07:00] Chie: Just considering the fact that we are from the same family of origin, you know, grew up with the same cultural influences. 

[00:07:07] Hecate: Mm-hmm. 

[00:07:07] Chie: Um, in many ways are very similar individuals. But yeah, for me, I. I, I don't relate to broken as irreparable. I think of it as a broken bone, you know?

[00:07:22] Hecate: Mmmm! 

[00:07:22] Chie: That or, um, or, or you know, like the King Kintsugi where you know, something is, is broken, maybe even shattered. But as long as the pieces are big enough, um, you put it back together, you know, with the gold and it is beautiful. And you can see. You can see where it was broken, um, and that it was made into something new and different by that process of breaking and mending.

But yeah, I'm, I'm, I don't, I can't say exactly why we have a 

different relationship. 

[00:07:54] Hecate: I've never broken a bone. 

[00:07:55] Chie: Ah. 

[00:07:56] Hecate: Is one thing. I've never had a broken bone. I've never [00:08:00] experienced that, you know, that kind of physical shattering. Um, and so when I think of a broken bone, I think of that as a kind of wound.

[00:08:09] Chie: Interesting. 

[00:08:11] Hecate: But that is a lack of experience on my part. So, you know, could be, could 

be a part of it. 

[00:08:17] Chie: For some reason. For me, the, the word "wound", It, it feels much more serious. And I don't know why 

[00:08:25] Hecate: it's an un 

it's an unpleasant word. 

[00:08:27] Chie: It it's, it's like a, a gaping wound. Like it's, it's, it's, 

[00:08:32] Hecate: it's visceral. 

[00:08:33] Chie: I think of, I think of festering wounds.

I think of, 

um, 

[00:08:36] Hecate: that's a part of why I use it. Because I think of it in terms of wound care, uh, in terms of what is necessary in order to, to heal. So what do you have to do with a wound in order for it to heal? You have to clean it out. You know, so like, the unpleasantness of probably having to like irrigate it, you know, just sort of like, get the debris out, make sure that it's clean and [00:09:00] then that it will take time and effort on your part in order to, you know, what does it need? Does it need to be sewed back together?

Like, you know, how is it gonna be a clean close? Like you, you know, just like all these, all these layers to metaphor that are possible. Um, but also very visceral in that I have had more, um, personal experience with, you know, in terms of, you know, things like stitches or, or healing festering wounds, um, and various infections and stuff like that where, um, that feels more relatable to the healing process emotionally, which is this unpleasant part of having to,

to clean out an emotional wound. To make sure that it's clean before you close it, because if you close it before you clean it, now there, now you've just sealed the infection inside and it's going to be something that you're just gonna have to deal with again. Um, because I've done that multiple times on an emotional level!

[00:09:59] Chie: Yeah. 

[00:09:59] Hecate: Let's just [00:10:00] sew that up and not deal with it. And it's still, oh, it's still a problem! 

[00:10:03] Chie: It'll be fine! 

[00:10:03] Hecate: That's weird! 

[00:10:03] Chie: Oh wait, 

[00:10:06] Hecate: It's gone Septic. 

[00:10:07] Chie: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that, that's just very interesting cuz Yeah. I think probably, um, you know, growing up doing a lot of dance and, and you know, having friends who were dancers who, you know, broke bones and seeing them in, in casts and, you know, I didn't break a, I didn't actually break a bone until college.

So, you know, early twenties for me. But yeah, it, it's interesting just the, the way different people relate to different things. Cause 

[00:10:38] Hecate: Yeah. 

[00:10:38] Chie: Cause yeah, for me, like I just, uh, yeah, "wound" seems very, like, it's very messy. It's very, um, Scary, uh, which, you know, healing from trauma is all those 

things. So, 

[00:10:54] Hecate: and that's, and that's a part of why, why it works for me is because like, I, I think that is like the healing [00:11:00] process.

It is like acknowledging the messiness of it, and also acknowledging what is necessary in order to move forward or heal it correctly. Is, is that messiness of like, this is gonna be a little gross and this, you know, the, the, the reality of first aid and having dealt with, um, like actually seeing some very gnarly things, not just on myself, but like on other people, you know, in, in terms of first aid or someone being extremely wounded, uh, like grievously.

Like I've, I've been present while someone was, was bleeding to death. They're fine, but. But the, the reality of what it takes to, you know, and this is funny that I'm gonna say this considering the, the two kind of like, you know, terms that we're dealing with, but the reality of what it takes to put somebody back together, um 

[00:11:58] Chie: mm-hmm.

[00:11:59] Hecate: Which is funny cuz [00:12:00] that almost is referring to brokenness, but, um, Uh, but that's just like a little bit more relatable and accessible to me. And, uh, and it's interesting talking about this cuz um, you know, and it's also like, you know, to listeners, it's an invitation to, to think about the terms that you're using and what it implies to you.

And does the language that you're using feel correct to you? Is it helpful to you? Do you need to reframe something? Investigate who, who gave you those terms? Are they useful to you? What works for you and what, what is helpful to you? So, Do you need to set that down? Do you need to put that down and step away

slowly? Invitation to set that down and move away slowly. But yeah, and, and truthfully, like whatever works for people. Whatever allows you to, to move forward and whatever language serves your personal process of healing. And, and also the acknowledgement that that will change over time, and [00:13:00] that allowing it to, to change over time is, uh, is a very good thing. Um, that that can be a part of your healing process.

[00:13:07] Chie: Yeah. 

It, it was just reminding me of a class I took in my Bachelors to my undergrad. It was a, a body mind centering class, I think was the name of it. But, you know, weird hippie school, yay! 

[00:13:19] Hecate: Mm-hmm. 

[00:13:20] Chie: But, um, in the course of the class we did, um, over a number of weeks, we went through different body systems and

did a number of assignments, kind of exploring just how we related with the different systems and then, you know, talking about it in class. 

[00:13:37] Hecate: Mm-hmm. 

[00:13:37] Chie: And it was really fascinating to see how different people related and operated from different systems. Um, in that, you know, for me, bones and kind of the skeletal system was a very comfortable system, which

is kind of surprising considering I've worked with a lot of, um, like musculoskeletal pain [00:14:00] for the majority of my life. Um, just chronic, chronic inflammation and pain. But a lot of people, you know, operated more from a, you know, muscular kind of thing, like power through it, push through it, you know, really kind of muscling your way through things.

And other people are very, very into like the endocrine system and yeah, just kind of the, the fluctuation of hormones and then, you know. Yeah. It was just, um, it was really fascinating. 

[00:14:29] Hecate: That's interesting. Yeah. 

[00:14:30] Chie: And just as you were kinda, as we were kind of talking about it, I was just remembering that at the beginning of the

section where we did all that, they had some sort of a list based on your year of birth according to whatever system of, of belief they were drawing this from. And mine was bones. 

[00:14:51] Hecate: Hmm. 

[00:14:52] Chie: So, so yeah, I just, maybe that's, 

[00:14:55] Hecate: Now I'm curious what mine would be. 

[00:14:57] Chie: Yeah. I'll, I'll have to see if I can track it [00:15:00] down. It was a long time ago.

Um, 

[00:15:01] Hecate: I'd love to know. Yeah. 

[00:15:03] Chie: But yeah, just, just kind of. You know, one of those, one of those interesting things. But yeah, I, I always found something very reassuring about bones. Um, and like, it was kind of also exploring how we have these, you know, these idioms, these terms of phrase in our language that oftentimes relate to the body. Like "muscling through something" or, "I feel it in my bones".

[00:15:32] Hecate: Mm-hmm. 

[00:15:33] Chie: You know, and that sort of thing, and that people kind of operate from these different systems. And I think for me, like, you know, when I'm in kind of my best central self feeling grounded and good in the present moment, I do really relate to that feeling of, you know, my intuition is in my bones.

Like it is a very deep core piece of self. Um, and it feels like, [00:16:00] Minerals, like mineralized, you know, it's, it's very not, it's very like almost earthy and not fluid like you would expect from some other systems. So. 

[00:16:11] Hecate: Interesting. Just makes me think of the, um, The Ayurvedic systems and like taking that test.

Uh, when I did Sage's Real Human Better course, we were invited to like check into the, the Ayurvedic stuff and like what element is, is most like present for you or strongest for you. And I was very surprised to find out that mine was water. 

[00:16:36] Chie: Mm. 

[00:16:37] Hecate: When I actually have a lot of discomfort with water. Uh, in a lot of ways, but then noticed that I tend to, in the way that I interact with it, not in, not in terms that, that I have like a weird like push and pull interaction with it where I don't drink enough water, but I do soak myself in massive amounts of it, um, for like an alarming period of time for other people.[00:17:00] 

So, I don't know. 

[00:17:03] Chie: Interesting. 

[00:17:04] Hecate: And that's all I have for you today. And before I wrap up, I'd like to end this episode with a few questions for listeners that might be helpful. What words do you use to talk about your pain or trauma? Do these words have any hidden implications that you may not have considered?

How does your culture interact with broken things? How did your family or the people who raised you interact with broken things when you were growing up? How do your own experiences or medical history impact the way you think about the words "broken "or "wounded"? Do the words you're using to talk about your trauma, keep you in an old thought pattern?

Are the words you're using to talk about your trauma healthy or useful to you? Do they need to change? And what body system do you most relate to, and why? [00:18:00] After recording this, I did reflect on the body systems question, and decided for me personally, I probably relate most to the circulatory system. I'm one of those people that can actually feel my own heartbeat all the time, and so it's always been very present and tangible for me.

But I hope this episode has been food for thought. Thank you so much for listening. Please check episode notes. There you'll find some seriously groovy links where you can see some examples of Kintsugi because it's awesome and I think you'll find it inspiring. Episode notes is also where you can find all my links, so you can check out my website, follow me on social media, check out my YouTube and catch me live on Twitch.

If you enjoy the podcast, please consider supporting my work by becoming a Patreon member. Tiers start as low as $1 a month, [00:19:00] and it makes such a massive difference in my life. Tier three and four patrons gain access to a new supplemental mini podcast called Finding More. Shout out to all the patrons that made today's episode possible.

Thank you Emerald, Christopher, Meadow, Kathleen, Betty, Ashley, and Sedonka. You all mean so much to me and none of this would be possible without you. Thank you. Letters for the Fire is back and I'm accepting submissions for this season till the end of the year. You can learn more about how to participate on my website or in my Insta Stories.

Today's episode was edited and produced by me, Hecate. The music is Your Heart is a Muscle the Size of Your Fist used with the permission of Ramshackle Glory. [00:20:00] Thank you again for listening. This has been Finding OK. Black Lives Matter. Take care of yourself. 

[00:20:06] Ramshackle Glory: Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist. Keep on loving. Keep on fighting. And hold on, and hold on.

Hold on for your life, for your life. Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist. Keep on loving. Keep on fighting. And hold on, and hold on. Hold on for your life.[00:21:00]